Durning my many years of conselling and life coaching I have gained and use many counselling techniques to assist me and my client when addressing issues. Listed below are some of the techniques I use. No one technique is better than the other and one never gives the complete view, rather they are best used together in varying degrees. If you would like to know more about counselling techniques or how to apply them please call me.

» Languages of Love
» NLP  (Neuro Linguistic Programming)
» Drama Triangle (Rescuer, Victim, and Persecutor)
» TA (Transactional Analysis)
» Collecting Green Stamps
» Active Listening Skills For Good Communication

Languages of Love

Research carried out by Gary Chapman ‘The Five Languages of Love’ shows that we have a primary love language and for us to feel loved we need to be aware of these different languages. Following are the five languages he has distinguished.

Affirming Words
People who like to receive compliments and words of appreciation. These people feel inspired if nice things are said to them. They feel encouraged and motivated if they are acknowledged, they want to hear good things about themselves, if they don’t hear words of appreciation they may not recognise that they are loved.

Physical Touch
Research shows that babies who are held and cuddled tend to grow up healthier and happier than those who have been deprived of physical touch. By putting your hands on people whose primary language of love is physical (not necessary sexual) touch reassures them that they are care for.  People whose primary language is touch will feel unloved if you don’t make physical contact with them. Buying them gifts or doing thoughtful things for them may not convince them that they are loved.

Act of Service
Some people feel the need to do things for you as it makes them feel good about themselves. People that do acts of service recognise love if you get them a cup of coffee, fix things for them, mower the lawn and take the washing off the line and so on. If you don’t do acts of service but buy them gifts or say affirming words they will not recognise the love you feel for them and they may complain that you don’t do anything for them.

Receiving Gifts
We all know people that like to give us gifts. These people take great pleasure in giving and often expect gifts in return, the size and cost of the gift doesn’t matter, and just a token will reassure them that you love them.

Quality Time
Spending quality time with people whose primary language of love is quality time will expect and demand that you are not preoccupied by other things in ‘their time’. Quality time includes being with, having meaningful conversations with, sitting with them, sharing activities. The person feels unloved if they don’t have time with their loved ones and they may feel abandoned and alone. Words of affirmation and gifts do not speak to them of love.

We may express love in all five languages but we have one primary language. Each person expresses their love in different languages and expects to be loved back in the same way. Not everyone has the same primary language of love, we need to recognise other primary languages of love so that they feel loved by us. There is no right language of love, one is not better than the other. It is good to recognise that we are all different.

Information extracted from the book ‘The Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate’, Gary Chapman, Strand Publishing 2000.

NLP  (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Communicating Effectively

The act of communicating can simply mean the transmission of information between people. Good relationships whether intimate, social or with colleagues are based on effective communication.

How do you know if you are communicating effectively? How do you know if those you are communicating with have not just heard your words but also actually listened them?

Two people maybe speaking the same spoken language i.e. English, but the way in which two people use the language and construct their communication may vary greatly.

When you feel, think or see that you are not being understood, it may be the case that you are not speaking the same language. We tend to use Auditory (hearing), Visual (seeing), and Kinesthetic (feeling), as our primary modality for communicating. We are less inclined to use the modalities of smell and taste to express our personal programming

What follows is an overview of the different ways in which individuals construct language. 

Auditory
Auditory people use the language of words; they have an internal dialogue running, so they can hear themselves think. If you interrupt an auditory person while they are speaking they are more likely to repeat themselves from the beginning, as they start at one point and finish at another. Interrupting them in the middle of a sentence disrupts this flow, and they will often translate the listener as being rude or showing lack of interest.

Auditory people explain things to you precisely. Telling a story s/he picks up the smallest details of inaccuracy.
If writing a shopping list for an auditory person the chances are they may not read the list and only bring home the groceries they heard you tell them about.  They are more likely to follow orders.
Auditory people usually love to hear poetry and listen to stories.

The words they use include:

• Listen to what I’m saying,
• Tell me about it
• I hear you
• The story goes

The Auditory persons gaze is generally from side to side, as if reading for a page.

Visual
Visual people communicate by using words that that help us see what they are saying. They paint pictures with their words and show you what it is they want you to understand.  Visual people may need to leave notes for themselves and others. They enjoy the movies and appreciate colours.

If you want a visual person to get the shopping for you, make sure each item is written down so s/he can visually access the information. What you say to them may not be exactly understood.

The words they commonly use include:

• See what I mean
• I’ll show you how it looks
• Get the picture
• Look at it from my point of view.

The Visual persons gaze is up as if accessing information that is high up, looking up at a painting.

Kinesthetic
Kinesthetic people use the language of feelings, touching and getting a ‘sense of things’. The Kinesthetic, person uses words that express feelings. Often the Kinesthetic children get into trouble at school for being disruptive. They fidget and move around, find it hard to sit still getting a feel of what is being said. They do not need to make eye contact.
If you want a kinesthetic person to do the shopping for you, let them know what you feel like eating for dinner.  They enjoy being active in sports and are more likely to be spectators.

The words they commonly use include:

• Get a feel of what I mean
• Get up and go
• I get a sense of
• Groovy, sensational, wow.

Kinesthetic people tend to keep their gaze down, as if they are accessing their feelings.

We communicate in a preferred style, doesn’t mean we don’t use all the modalities.

Book: NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming).By Virginia Statir, Bandler and Grinder to name a few.

Drama Triangle - 'Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor'
  (Karpman 1968)

We all play this particular game at some time in our lives and we seem to get dragged into it. To help us get out of the game call the ‘Drama Triangle’ it is important to recognise how we enter it in the first place.  ‘Game’ in this regard is a term used to show us how we engage and communicate with each other in a dysfunctional manner. We are not usually aware of the game but a clue is that we feel uncomfortable. Each of us may play a different role at different times and with different people.

The main roles and positions are:

• Rescuer - “I’m only trying to help”.
• The Victim – “poor me I cant do it, I need help”.
• Persecutor - “look what you have done! You are hopeless”.

For example:
The Rescuer sets out to help a person who appears to need them or a person who they can help.

The Victim in the beginning this person maybe very grateful that someone has come to help him or her out.  But in a short time the person being helped begins to feel uncomfortable and may start to recognise that s/he is in a less powerful position.

Sooner or later the person being helped will let you know that they didn’t really need your help, they could have managed very well for themselves and that whatever you did was wrong anyway.

So now the Rescuer has been told they are useless and the rescuer has become the Victim and the Victim becomes the Persecutor. 

Not only does the game go on between two, other people get involved in the triangle.
Once on this triangle all players can move between positions. Each person on the triangle has a preferred position, usually as a result of seeing and role modelling our primary career in childhood.

People on this Triangle make friends and close relationships very quickly. These relationships don’t usually last for a long time. Most friendships finish up with all parties getting hurt and thinking that they have been misunderstood. Some people experience feelings of resentment; others may experience disappointment, anger and some may even feel relief.

Mutual support and helping another person is not rescuing if one person is not expecting a payoff of some kind, this is the difference.

T.A. (Transactional Analysis)

The system of T.A. is a study of our thoughts, actions and feelings, which match our patterns of behaviour. It is an analysis of the way in which we interact in life and the way in which we communicate with each other.

Eric Berne designed the diagram below to represent our Ego States, naming the different parts of our Ego States. The different states are the Parent, Adult and Child Ego States that represent our patterns of behaviour. The outer circle represents one person; the inner circles help to explain how we often unwittingly interact with each other.

By understanding the TA model we can begin to understand why and how we interact and live our lives some times unconsciously sabotaging our relationships and why we often feel uncomfortable and how we can learn to have clean honest communications.

Parent Ego State (I know) is a pattern of behaviour, which developed when we were very young. We feel, think, talk, act and respond just as our primary carer did when we were very little.

• Nurturing – is the part that guides us, takes care and keeps us safe. Is always reasonable, listens to our opinions. Common phrases used are “you’re great”, “how can I support you”, “how would you like to do that”.
  
  The position in life is ‘I’m ok you’re ok.

• Critical - This aspect tells us what we should do, it can be manipulative and controlling. Common phrases used  are “You must’, “you should”, and it is generally intolerant.
  
  The position in life is ‘I’m ok you’re not’.

• Protective – is controlling, watching our every move, stifling our creative ability, deprives us of being able to make healthy and wise decisions for ourselves. Common phrases used are “have you had dinner”, “where are you”.
  
  The position in life is ‘I’m ok you’re not’.

Adult Ego State - (I think)  at our environment from a non-judgemental perspective, we weigh up options, make decision, are we are interested in logical and rational ways to achieve the end result.  When feeling stressed we go for walks to clear our mind. When recognising a problem we will seek advise and support. The Adult deals with transforming stimuli into pieces of information. The Adult has no feelings, it is the data processor, it observer and collects information and then makes decisions.

Common phrases used are “I’m curious abut that”, “Its possible”, “in my opinion”, “all things considering” “what time is it?” (If overly dominant can be a bore). Position in life is ‘I’m ok you’re ok’.

Child Ego State - (I feel) is the major part that makes up our personality. During our early critical development we do not have a lots of words to express ourselves, most of our reactions are feelings.

• Natural Child - has fun, loves nature, is spontaneous, sings, and dances, is usually inclusive of everybody, but can enjoy his/her own company and is not self-conscious.
  
  Common phrases used are “Common phrases used are Wow”, “lets”, “Why don’t we”. The natural child is ready for fun without fear, shame or guilt. The position in life is ‘I’m ok your ok’.

• Adapted Child - Is manipulative, self-centred and demanding.  Often feels lost, alone, abandoned and unloved, is secretive and confused.
  
  Common phrases used are “its always my fault”, “I have to”, “mine is better than yours”, “I should”.  The Positions in life is ‘I’m not ok your not ok’ or ‘I’m not ok, you are ok’.

• Rebellious Child - Every one is against me, lies, steals, does the opposite to whatever s/he is asked to do. These people can be easily manipulated simply by telling them to do the opposite of what it is you want them to do and often getting into serious trouble.
  
  Common phrases used are “You can’t make me”, “No way”, “Stay away”,
  Position in life is, ‘I’m not ok your not ok’.

Crossed Transactions - Problems arise for example if the Critical Parent makes a statement, which is responded to by the Rebellious Child.  The response will be in a negative fashion and there will be conflict.

The Critical Parent uses common phrases such as “you must” or “you should”. The Rebellious Child will respond in an equally negative way, such as “don’t tell me what to do”.

An innocent question asked by the Adult ego state, such as “What time is it?” The Critical Parent Ego State response maybe “what do you want to know for?”

The Rebellious Child Ego State may respond with “mind your own business”, where as the ‘Adult’ Ego State would simple state the time.

Balanced and in rapport having empathy, our response will not necessarily be crossed as an example: Parent-to-Parent “what time do you expect your husband to come home?” Parent ego response “He is always late” same ego states response “yes, my husband is always late too”. A Child ego state example:  lets take the day off from work?” “Yes what a good idea”. 

The above interactions has empathy, agreement and understanding the transaction have no conflict between the people, but lacks the adult reflection.

Symbiotic Relationships - appear to serve both parties, as each person with an underdeveloped Ego State will seek out a balance, for example an underdeveloped ‘Child’ Ego state person will seek out, a larger than usual Parent Ego state, this will seem to complement them both. The Child Ego state will have someone to help him or her to make decisions and the overly developed Parent ego state will have a someone to have fun with. The over developed Adult ego state with an underdeveloped Parent and Child Ego states is typical of people who are at board room meetings, talking facts and figures. They can be boring. S/he will also seek out others to balance themselves, and so enter Symbiotic Relationships. 

If our Ego States are well balance our responses are not crossed and we can make independent decisions that serve us..

Book on this subject: Games People Play’,  ‘what Do You Say After You Say Hello’ by Eric Berne

Collecting Green Stamps

Some companies use to give people little book, every time a purchase of their product was made they would give you a green stamps to put in it. When the book had enough stamps in it you were able to cash it in get a toaster or holiday the prize depended on how many was collected, in the same way now that we build up credit for discounts on products.

We do the same we collect hurts from others, it is a common way we usually end relationships. Relationships that start off rosy, each person giving to the other, feeling good that they can be so generous with their time, gifts or money for example, maybe they didn’t thank us the way we wanted to be thanked or they didn’t do the same thing back.  It can take a bit of time before we start to recognise resentful feelings, and maybe we are not always sure why we are a bit annoyed and disappointed with them, little hurt, start to build up into a heavy load. Complaints and criticisms going back days, weeks, and months even years, issues that we thought were of no consequences and had been forgotten about have been stored away, slowing building one top of the other, until there is so much hurt and resentment stored away that it has become to heavy to carry around, until some day we decide it is time to cash it in. one to many little comment or inconsiderate deed or misunderstanding happens and this is to the last straw, the baggage had to be put down.

The result may be a simple disagreement a fight an argument an, accusations that often seem unreasonable and far out of proportion we make such a fuss over seemingly nothing, leaving the other person in confusion as to what was said or done that created it

Divorcé and negative behaviour, sickness and suicides are often about so many little petty issues built up.  Blaming and accusing each other over things that have nothing to do with what is happening now in the relationship.

To avoid carrying around a heavy load of baggage and to avoid these situations it is advisable to air small petty grievances as soon as you have the opportunity to or the resentments it will build up.   
Remember to cash in early and not wait until the load is too heavy. don’t ignore little issues no matter how small and petty they seem, talk about them straight away, even if they seem too trivial.

For a long-term happy relationship it is very important or it is doomed. Big issues have to get dealt with, so they take care of themselves its the little one to be watch out for.

Have you noticed a happy person is more inclined to good health then an unhappy one? Research indicates that emotions that are denied and feelings held in have a direct impact on our health and wellbeing.
There are many instances where one can correlate the ill health of a person with their beliefs and behaviour, how he or she holds onto past pain and block their emotions.  We are so scared of showing how we feel, that our emotions get held inside. Depending on what we hold in this can be directly related to our dis-ease. 

To give you an example: I always remember my father being a very strict disciplinarian; keeping his word he was inflexible.  In later life he got arthritis; his joints became stiff and ridged, just like his thinking. Was this the result of his thoughts, blocked emotions, feelings and behaviour?
In time all our blocked painful feelings can become overwhelming, we can become depressed, burnt out, have high blood pressure, diabetic or angry to suggest a few symptoms.
We have been trained to hide and not share what we feel; we don’t say what we need to say in case we hurt the others. When we feel anger there is always a painful feeling underneath? 

A solution could be to write down all your long felt hurts; sometimes the origin has been forgotten, so we take drugs to block these feelings, but they are still there.

Active Listening Skills For Good Communication

Active listening is a process, of listening to what is been said in a way that lets the person speaking know that you care about what is being said.  

Trust in a group does not just happen:

• It is important to let other group member know how you feel.
• Decide for yourself what and how much and when you will disclose personal facets of yourself
• Know that you are responsible for yourself, don’t wait to be called on and don’t be bullied into responding.